


I feel like I'm drowning

by deadchan



Category: Mr. Robot (TV)
Genre: F/F, Gen, Gift for a friend, M/M, Post S4, Tyrell is alive, You guessed it - Freeform, also leon is a cool guy, brief mentions of domlene several times, i think this is cute but its probably still sad lol, my attempts at a soft fic, obligatory flipper, only real canon divergence is, soft, tyrell is intense and dedicated
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2019-12-31
Packaged: 2021-02-22 12:20:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22049245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deadchan/pseuds/deadchan
Summary: hello, friend.short blob of emotion. hope yall enjoy it. lemme know if youre into it lol ive got some other ideas on the roster.im pretty smitten with the idea of new beginnings so it is pretty likely most of my writing will involve slowburn.in case you were wondering lyrics are by two feet.cheers to all of us sinking with the tyrelliot ship.
Relationships: Darlene Alderson/Dominique DiPierro, Elliot Alderson & Tyrell Wellick, Elliot Alderson/Tyrell Wellick
Comments: 2
Kudos: 34





	I feel like I'm drowning

* * *

######  _You keep dreaming and dark scheming,  
**Yeah, you do.**  
You're a poison and I know that is the truth  
All my friends think you're vicious,  
And they say you're suspicious,  
You keep dreaming and dark scheming  
**Yeah, you do.** _

Elliot had been himself for nearly two whole months straight now.

He still talked with the others in his head, they still helped him when he needed it, but nobody was trying to take him over anymore. Even though parts of him disagreed with his continued contact with Tyrell, not to mention his sister and Dom weren’t too keen, nobody pushed him to do anything he didn’t want to. It had been important to him to stay connected to the few people he had left because he wasn’t ready to put himself out there than to try to make friends again. Shayla had been the last friend and he still wasn’t quite over her, though he knew at least he was safe from Vera, as intense and even helpful as some of his insanity had been. Krista had decided to take him back on as a patient and at first things had been awkward but she was enjoying getting to know the real Elliot. He was enjoying having someone show patience and forgiveness without any hostility despite the things he’d done to her and dragged her into.

She was the only one who let him actually talk about Tyrell without getting defensive or trying to tear the businessman down. He knew Darlene was just being protective and bitter but it strained things and he wasn’t so good with stress. He was just trying his best to get by each day without feeling hopeless again. Mostly, things were good now, he had enough of a routine and support to keep him occupied and entertained but there was a void inside left by the year he’d missed and all the things he’d unwittingly partaken in. Considering he had thought Tyrell died it was rather important to him to hold onto the other. He’d lost too much already and wanted to avoid feeling even more alone. His sister could only offer so much comfort. 

As much as he wanted to stay connected with Tyrell he’d found it difficult to see him face to face so mostly they just talked through text and that was okay. There was no secrecy or plotting or anything dastardly, just idle conversation about music, shows, people, places, animals, whatever came to mind. Tyrell wasn’t pushy but he was a bit clingy. It was obvious he desired Elliot’s attention and approval and Elliot still couldn’t figure out why. So he was asking Krista for her advice on how to handle things. She seemed to be a bit surprised at his insistence that he liked Tyrell while refusing to meet up with him. 

“What makes you the most nervous about seeing him?” She asks in her calm voice, her dark eyes watching his face without judgment. 

“I guess, I just don’t know how to act. I’m not who he thinks I am, which kind of makes me a liar, doesn’t it?” A pause as she waits, seemingly knowing he was considering saying more. So he does. “I think maybe I’m afraid he won't want to actually see me, once he finds out.” 

“Haven’t you been telling him a bit about your issues? I thought we had agreed you needed to try to explain your internal selves to the ones you’re close to. I know it’s hard but it’s not my place to tell anyone anything. It’s your truth and your burden, and your decision how much you’d like to share. But I doubt that he will be any less interested in you once he hears the truth. I think you’re over-worrying because of your lack of connections. He’s the last one alive who could possibly offer you something, which means you could have something to lose and that upsets you.” 

Leon was about the only friend he had that he wasn’t more or less related to. He’d mentioned him a few times but made it clear they weren’t an everyday hang out kind of pals. As laid back and intriguing as he could be the guy smoked so much weed sometimes just breathing around him could be hazardous. But he was always good for a distraction, or to listen, or to offer some random insight that would bring Elliot to see things in a new light. He appreciated that but doubted Leon would have much to say in regards to Tyrell other than to just go for it. That meant he had two people telling him to talk to Tyrell and two people telling him he deserved better and to move on. Why did he deserve better? 

Anyway, Tyrell was alone too, Elliot knew this. He rarely spoke of his deceased wife or lost child but there was always a lurking despair behind any type of rejection. He had asked three times since Elliot woke up in the hospital to see him and though he said he wasn’t upset, he probably was. Who did Tyrell Wellick have to support him and care for him? So far as he was aware he didn’t even have many business friends left, let alone people outside of work who meant enough to him for him to want to be around. The business man had kept his circle of important people close and small for a reason; he didn’t like most people, and yes, he clearly thought he was superior. It wasn’t as obnoxious a mentality as it could be. Hell, Elliot was pretty sure in this case it was true. 

“Elliot?” He blinks and realizes he’s been sitting there thinking to himself again, neglecting the outside world. 

“Sorry,” He says automatically and she shakes her head. They were trying to encourage him to apologize less, because he seemed to feel like everything was his fault even if it had nothing to do with him. “I just don’t want to mess things up. Or burden him. Or lose him. I’m trying to keep my life smooth and harmless right now, but I feel like getting close to Tyrell might open up a can of worms. I don’t want to upset Darlene, I guess I’m just afraid overall.” He gives her a tired smile. “Hard to want to embrace change after all the changes that have happened, you know?” 

She nods sympathetically and writes something down. He wonders if it’s about his lack of self-esteem and pathetic attempts to seem distant from the things that stress him out. He was definitely being as small as possible now, trying not to leave any ripples in the world, trying not to let anything change or in any way invite disaster. He didn't want people to know him and didn't want to get to know anyone else, not yet. Socially he was at maximum capacity with his small crowd. That was even more reason to talk to Tyrell but again, if things turned sour, he would lose a pillar and then have to somehow muster the courage to go looking for another. After all the loss and all the social disappointments both done to and by him Elliot was rightfully afraid to mess things up. Little did he seem to be aware that it was fairly common for people to worry about relationships this way 

She keeps trying to encourage and console him, reassure him that he’s not nearly as ostracized as he’s making it seem. She tries hard to connect him to the experiences of others without degrading his own intense feelings. Krista is his angel whose guidance kept him from giving up, breaking down, running away, or letting someone else be forward for good. She wanted him to find a true happiness and because of that he had something to cling to, something to help motivate himself. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to see Tyrell. Maybe they both could use a friend. 

After the end of the session he thanks her as always and leaves wondering if she was still paranoid about him, if she held a secret grudge about the night with Vera. The worst night he had to experience over and over again because if he wasn’t having nightmares then the Mastermind was, though nobody else seemed to have this effect. Perhaps it was because Elliot and MM felt so deeply interwoven that sometimes even now they blended together. He would stare at the walls for hours while everything slowly shook out of focus save for the gaunt face looking back at him from his crying nook. That would be one welcome change, a new layout where he wasn’t constantly thrown into flashbacks by the most mundane of things. Flipper keeps him company most times but sometimes he can’t even move let alone think. 

He walks home at his own leisure and texts with Tyrell absently, trying to will himself to say it. By the time he gets home he hasn’t mentioned it at all and immediately upon greeting Darlene asks to blaze. She complies because they all agreed it was the only thing he should take aside from his prescriptions. They smoke, eat, even bake together until Dom gets home, then proceed to invite her to a tea party. Flipper is given her own little treats and together they settle down to watch a movie, like some kind of family. It makes his chest ache but mostly in a good way. For all the fucked up things in his life he was thankful to be able to have some reprieve in moments like this. 

###### 

* * *

_I feel like I'm drowning  
**I'm drowning**  
You're holding me down and  
**Holding me down**  
You're killing me slow  
**So slow, oh-no**  
I feel like I'm drowning  
**I'm drowning**  
_

When he finally asks Tyrell if he wants to meet up there is a few minutes of lag before a response, which was only noticeable as moments before they’d been back and forth like teens on msn back in the day. Had he made things weird? Was it too late for that, had Tyrell finally moved on? But then the phone rings and he jolts even though it’s not too abrasive of a tone. Few people called him and any time Tyrell did, he always had the courtesy to ask first, because he knew Elliot wasn’t keen on calls. Sometimes it was fine but too often just the simple gesture of answering and saying hello was enough to send him spiralling internally. Too many bad phone calls.

He answers on the third ring and inhales quietly as a greeting, momentarily losing his voice. Tyrell clears his throat on the other end and seems to sound apologetic. “Pardon my eagerness. I couldn’t think of what to say, so I thought I should just say yes.” Now he sounds almost sheepish which isn’t something he ever remembers the other man being. “... I realise I should have asked, forgive me, Elliot.”

“No, no, it’s fine. Just shell-shocked I guess.”

There’s a few moments of silence. “You’re sure? I feel I’ve already overwhelmed you.”

“No, I just don’t know what to say. There’s a lot. But it’s not really a phone thing. I guess I’ll be anxious regardless so you may as well choose the setting.”

“I could pick you up for dinner this evening. You may not have known it but I have a mild interest in the culinary arts and seem to be able to make edible meals.” Is he making a self-deprecating joke?

“You don’t have to go through the trouble.”

“Nonsense, you are never any trouble to me. I’d be honoured and spoiled to have you as a guest even if only for an hour or two.”

He sounds so sincere it makes Elliot’s guts churn and flutter. But he doesn’t feel entirely bad. He agrees and they awkwardly hang up and he begins to pace his apartment. What to wear? Should he make this a big deal? Was it? Should he keep it casual? What would he tell Darlene? Oh fuck, that’s right, today was fucking shitty ass Valentine’s wasn’t it? Despite the lack of general enthusiasm for mandated holidays among all three of them, the girls had decided to treat themselves to a night out, heading to the spa before hitting up a club or two and gorging themselves on chocolate and booze until they got sick. Quaint.

Did Tyrell think this was a date? Was it a date? He hadn’t even realized the potential romantic undertones the silly day implied. Now he felt sick and embarrassed but still somewhat giddy. Surely Tyrell wouldn’t ditch him for under or over preparing. He just had to remain calm and not overthink it, try to avoid wondering what Tyrell thought and felt, what he himself thought and felt. Did he want something romantic? Just the idea of sitting together was making his heart beat fast. He definitely wanted company, a friend, someone to be around that wasn’t related to him and obligated to care as soul survivors of a broken home. He wanted someone to actually want to be around him; someone he could stand being around in turn. As annoying as he recalls the Mastermind thinking Tyrell was, he had a lot of good qualities. Perhaps they had been flourishing in his time alone.

Elliot makes sure to pace himself and remain calm as he prepares for the evening with a shower and some tea. He takes Flipper for a walk and texts Darlene about it. With only 30 minutes to spare before his ride arrives, he still hasn’t decided what to wear. Finally he opts for something neutral, a white dress shirt under his black hoodie. After some thought and staring into the mirror for a bit he decides to add a tie to spice things up. He expects Tyrell to come get himself but is only a little surprised to see he’s being picked up by someone else. The man is minimalistic but polite and gentle music accompanies his silent journey to the other man’s house. The whole time he resists the urge to message him though he does check his phone twice.

Upon arrival he is finally greeted by the man himself and is amazed at how he manages not to fall apart at the sight of him. Tall and regal as always Tyrell now sports a bit of a beard, nothing too messy yet something not quite clean cut. His hair is a little bit longer and not slicked back which catches him off guard. He’s in a plain yet striking black blouse and pants, an interesting alternative to the suits he’d been used to. It takes him a few moments to realize he’s simply staring and not said a word which instantly makes him flustered. Tyrell only smiles and nods, steps aside to let him in, and shuts the door behind. He’s close but not nearly close enough to touch yet Elliot swears he can feel the heat radiating off of him.

“Bonsoir Elliot, welcome to my humble abode. I’m pleased to have you over again and can only hope to make this evening an enjoyable one. Follow me to the kitchen.”

After removing his shoes because he feels they’re too dirty for these clean floors he follows. The moment he sees the table the amount of food and the beautiful way it is arranged is instantly too much. He can tell Tyrell put hours of meticulous work into this, the whole fancy set up and preparation and making it all look and smell nice. He’s salivating even as his guts churn again and he feels his nerves twitching. He remains as calm as possible externally and takes a seat, then Tyrell pours them each a bit of wine and sits beside (but again not too close) him, offering cheers. The smile on his face lights up his whole demeanor and it’s blatantly obvious how thrilled he is to see Elliot. He feels nearly the same.

They wine and dine and though it’s a bit slow to start Tyrell is patient and kind and able to fill the silence only when he sees Elliot getting worried. He asks about his work and the other man responds that he’s starting business with an independent company, something small and currently in development. He tells Elliot he’s still passionate to climb some type of ladder and offer some type of change but has yet to find the proper niche. He wanted to wash his hands of the corporate setting and all the lies and slander that came with it. Elliot can’t help but feel this spiel had been rehearsed just for him.

He honestly has a good time and laughs. The subject of conversation mostly remains relaxed and on the surface level but two hours in, he can tell there’s something Tyrell is hoping for, which of course sparks his nerves up all over again. He wanted that pizazz that only the Mastermind had, he was getting bored of Elliot, he wasn’t going to like him and was now only being polite until this evening came to a close and he could wash his hands of Elliot once and for all. Maybe not. His mind can’t help picturing the worst over and over regardless even as he tries to remain in the present. Eventually Tyrell seems to notice.

“If you’ve had your fill I can get you home. No need to feel obligated to stick around and chat.”

“But isn’t that what you want to do?”

“Of course, but I don’t want to keep you too long. You don’t owe me your discomfort.” That was a weird thing to say, right? Elliot looks a bit confused and Tyrell smiles again, that small smile he gives when he finds something truly adorable. “I am just glad to have spent any time with you at all. It’s been wonders seeing your face again, I very much appreciate you giving me the time of day.” The smile saddens a bit and he sips his wine, looks down into the glass fondly. “Perhaps you are as restless as I even though this day shouldn’t mean anything. Consumer culture at its worst yet somehow it still causes a feeling of loneliness and misery not to spend it with someone.”

Was that a confession? Elliot’s cheeks flush and he looks down, then back to the other’s face. “You feel it too? I didn’t want to care about today. But I didn’t want to be alone either. And…” He regrets instantly letting the word out, no longer wanting to finish the sentence, but Tyrell’s pale eyes are gazing at him expectantly like some kind of puppy. “I’m glad to spend it with you. I put off meeting you for a long time, I’m not sure why.”

“You’re afraid of something. It’s got to do with,” He makes a vague twirling gesture with his hand, “what’s in your head, I’m guessing? I would love so much for you to tell me anything you’d like, but I won’t ask you to reveal to me any thoughts you’d rather keep to yourself.” As polite as he’s being it’s clear in the look in his eyes that he craves every inch of knowledge in relation to Elliot and his thoughts. It’s both attractive and horrifying.

“Yes,” He says hesitantly, trying and failing to maintain eye contact. “I want to share. But, I am afraid.” At least he feels a bit of relief saying it outloud.

“Please, Elliot, tell me what it is you want to tell me.”

“All that time the past year, those times we met… that wasn’t me.”

“Yes, you’d mentioned a bit about Mr. Robot and he and I have spoken before.”

“No, there’s more, and it’s kind of messy. I don’t really want to give you all the details but basically, I think you might be in love with a personality and thus disappointed by what my humble self truly is.” He looks pained. “There is a reason I created these aspects. I’m not very happy with myself, and a lot of terrible things have happened to me.” He nods to signify he’s done before downing a huge gulp of the rest of his wine.

Tyrell gazes at him with nothing but calm admiration and remains thoughtful for a few moments before responding. “It doesn’t matter which part of you I was talking to then. I’m talking to you now and that’s what matters. I don’t feel any differently about you, if anything, my desire to protect you only grows by each passing moment.”

Elliot must look mortified because Tyrell’s posture changes and he leans forward, brows knitting in concern. He goes to rest a hand on Elliot’s shoulder but hesitates, knowing the other isn’t fond of touch, so instead leans on the back of the chair a little. He stares intensely into Elliot’s eyes as if looking for a sign. “I love all of you, every bit of you. The good, the bad, the ugly. Any way you were hurt, I want to get rid of anything left of that hurt that I can. If someone or something upsets you I want to remove them from your life. I want you to be able to feel safe and happy without dying of boredom. I want whatever you want, so long as you’ll let me be with you.” Again Elliot must look terrified and some of Tyrell’s confidence and desperation falters, but he doesn’t move away. “I will do whatever you need to feel alright even if it doesn’t include me, but Elliot, please believe me when I tell you this now: I am dying for your attention. More than anything in life all I want is to be with you, and no, I’m not… explicitly talking about anything physical nor romantic.”

Elliot swallows a lump in his throat and zones out a little, gaze averting as he sinks inside to try to process this. Poor Tyrell patiently waits for a response and tries not to push one way or the other leaving them both close and awkward. Finally he looks up sheepishly once, twice, then smiles back. He shrugs his shoulders then nods, then smiles again, obviously a bit bashful and certainly at a loss for words. So that was it. Tyrell was just as lonely and lost as him and was willing to settle for anything. Elliot suddenly felt a disgusting amount of power realizing he could probably make Tyrell do anything and everything that he wanted without so much as breaking a sweat. How trusting and frightful of the other man to so willingly throw his life into someone else's hands.

“Um… well, thank you.” He says in the most halting of ways. He’s dumbstruck, giddy and nervous and in awe at this moment. Tyrell had to be clueless. He couldn’t know. The Mastermind was so much braver and cunning than he was, wouldn’t Tyrell soon tire of a soft and useless fuck up? “I’m just not. I’m not as intense as you think. And I’m not really, I mean, I don’t want to… do anything. I just want to be okay.”

Tyrell nods and he watches the man absently as he pushes his hair back behind his ear. It’s tantalizing. Suddenly he wants to be touched, thinks it might be okay, but finds himself shaking at just the thought. “I want you to be okay, too.” Tyrell bravely closes the gap for real this time and Elliot only flinched a little at the touch on his chin, gently lifting his gaze so their eyes can meet. His features are soft and his eyes are red, watery, ready to burst. Why? “If you need something, I want to give it to you. No matter how big or small. You don’t need to ever be alone again. You don’t ever need to be afraid, either. I would gladly give my life if it meant your prosperity in any way.”

Elliot’s eyes open wide in shock even as his heartbeat picks up. This was too much, it was so intimate and more than he deserved from anyone let alone Tyrell. But he doesn’t pull away. He feels hot tears forming in his own eyes but Tyrell smiles. “You think too highly of me. I’m not worth all this. I’m not worth anything- I'm nobody.”

Tyrell is shaking his head the entire time. With a look of sorrow on his face his leans in as if to whisper in Elliot’s ear but instead places a slow, soft, warm kiss right in front of his ear. His forehead gently rests against his temple and Elliot feels his hands crawling around the other’s shoulders to pull him into an embrace. He hasn’t been hugged by anyone in a long time but he can’t remember the last time someone bigger than him held him so gently. For too many reasons to count he feels the tears begin to fall in earnest and hides his face in Tyrell’s willing shoulder. The man holds him for what feels like hours simply rubbing small circles against his back and shushing any apologies that work their way out. By the time he’s calm he feels too gross to look at him, but Tyrell is prepared. He gets up and finds a damp cloth and tries to pointedly look away while not ignoring him.

“You’re going to be okay. I’ll make sure you are, if you let me.”

“I thought you’d want nothing to do with me for being so weak. I’m glad I was wrong.”

“You’re wrong twofold, my brave little genius. You are far from weak, you’ve survived so much that you far outweigh anyone else’s importance in my eyes.”

“Then… you’re okay with, me being more than just me, sometimes? Or even less?” Tyrell nods and gently wipes at some tears with his thumbs. “I wish I had done this sooner. I didn’t think you could ever like me. But here you are, crying with me and treating me like a lover. Maybe, maybe someday I can fill that role, but right now I just really need you. Like this. I need acceptance and support and guidance. I need more in life and I think, maybe, you can give it to me.”

* * *

######  _**My life's okay**  
Yeah, just when you're not around me  
**My life's okay**  
Just when you're not around me  
**My life's okay**  
Just when you're not around me  
**My life's okay**_

**Author's Note:**

> hello, friend.
> 
> short blob of emotion. hope yall enjoy it. lemme know if youre into it lol ive got some other ideas on the roster.  
> im pretty smitten with the idea of new beginnings so it is pretty likely most of my writing will involve slowburn.  
> 
> 
> in case you were wondering lyrics are by two feet. 
> 
> cheers to all of us sinking with the tyrelliot ship.


End file.
